Westover Heights Clinic - Sexuality

    First and most importantly, herpes does not bring an end to sexuality.  Having herpes does mean that some changes will need to occur in the way a person expresses sexuality.  Generally, the greatest concerns lie in the area of transmitting the virus to another person.

    When considering what kind of sexual practices can spread the virus, just remember that the virus should not come into contact with the uninfected partner. For instance, if a man has herpes on his penis, he may still give oral sex to his female partner (assuming he has no oral infection).  This may all seem obvious, but thinking about the various combinations of body parts and mucous membranes may open up new possibilities for sexual expression when symptoms are present.  It can also clarify which sexual practices present the greatest risk for transmission to others.

    Intercourse should be avoided completely during outbreaks for maximum safety when one partner is infected and the other is not.

    Sleeping in the same bed with someone who has herpes will not, by itself, transmit the virus. Virus is not shed asymptomatically from places where there is thick skin, like the buttocks.  It may be better to wear underwear, pajamas, or a nightgown to bed during an outbreak if there is likely to be contact with lesions during the night because old habits and sleepy erotic instincts tend to ignore herpes.  Cuddling and snuggling with infected partners during an outbreak is very important to let them know they are still desirable and loved.  Outbreaks are a time for support and extra closeness in other ways besides intercourse.

    Occasionally, someone with herpes will have difficulty performing sexually -- inability to achieve an erection and/or premature ejaculation in men or difficulty achieving an orgasm in women. Sometimes these problems are directly related to the fear of giving herpes to partners.  If one ejaculates rapidly, the penis is in the partner a shorter time, and the virus is less likely to be spread (or so the fearful or subconscious thoughts go). If someone is worrying a great deal about transmitting the disease, it is hard to focus enough on the feelings, both physical and emotional, surrounding lovemaking and to achieve an orgasm.  The key to resolving these problems lies in talking openly and gently about them with partners.  Good communication skills are an invaluable aid. If you need a tune-up here, see Tender Talk: A Practical Guide to Intimate Conversations, also published by The Portland Press, at the address listed on the back of this book.